Howdy

[indigolivia]

hello journal!

today I tried to ask myself the questions you ask when trying to get to know someone. I realized I don't know anything about me. I think I have so much desire to be profound and intelligent and impressive and sexy that I am paralyzed. I have never been so stagnant. The last 6 months of my life have been some of the most miserable, and I was fully complicit. I am working a 9-5 job, after college. I am about to begin law school applications in October, and (theres a gun in my mouth as I type this) I am moving back to my home town to save money for that whole endeavor. I dont know where I want to go, what I want to do. I feel this extreme sense of envy for every single other life that I wont live, and I get stuck in this maladaptive-daydreaming hell where I think about the best possible versions of my life and in turn; I do nothing. I feel so lost and unmotivated and just DEEPLY dissatisfied.

I have these plans, dreams of being a polygot, a roller derby champ, a kickball captain i dont know man. I just want to have passion, a spark. I have this big fear of starting things. its like i know i would love to do something, i know the scientific reasons behind why i would feel better if i did something, but instead i just want to push it off. as long as i can. im not too sure what im looking for on this platform, and honestly im not quite sure how it works even but i think i just need to say my piece man. i like the idea of someone maybe hearing it, somehow. i hope to share my deepest darkest fears with you, you compelling little chasm of anonymity. and i hope that this is like a sick documentation of my dope ass evolution where i become a super-star gymnast or learn how to swallow swords. or just become a lawyer. at least that. tomorrow i guess ill introduce myself a little better, but for now i am drinking my diet coke and watching betty la fea, dreaming about all the things that the hotter version of me would be doing (but remaining sat). ok goodnight void. toodles <3

Comments

[joyfulthought]

> I just want to have passion, a spark.

It's eery how much I relate to all of this, but this part in specific.

Here's to growth. Cheers!