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Hell Froze Over!
Nov. 23rd, 2025 09:26 pmIt was cold at first, but we all adjusted. The Floridians took it the hardest, retirees depleted the nations supply of space heaters within a few days. The Announcement came alongside the first ever reports of frostbite from the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. Hell had frozen over! It was VJ day on steroids. The year that followed would make a historian orgasm.
The Browns won the Super Bowl. Lucifer emerged from a drain pipe on fifth avenue to buy a Burberry scarf and gloves. The billionares of the world devoted themselves to philanthropy "just because", and the redistribution of wealth did not tank the economy. Every child found a home, every human was relieved of ailments and addictions. Every human had a home, too. Dogs began to live to 85. Everyone became objectively beautiful, simultaneously removing the capital of aesthetics and increasing the inherent "attractiveness" of our world at once. Chevron stopped fracking, and the bees came back, but they never stung again. It would not matter if they did, allergies ceased to exist too. I finally ate a strawberry.
The stock market liquified itself, the companies decided to redistribute ownership among those who made up the work force, and no one was mad about it. The pigs flew, the cows neighed, the giraffes necks were shortened at once and Americans domesticated them immediately as pets. The government revealed all of its corruption, and the masses responded amicably with a party of hugs and handshakes on the white house front lawn. The former white house, that is. They painted it chartreuse within a week. Demons made snow angels, poets studied medicine, doctors ran improv classes, the Beatles did a reunion tour.
My father apologized, and I forgave him. I saw my dead friends and we ate lava for brunch. I teleported to my grandparents house, and it was un-foreclosed, and they were undead. I pet all of the zombie dogs I loved so dearly. I remember the grief still, but with no knots in my throat to accompany it any longer. I made out with The Rock per his request. I received letters of remorse from every person who did not choose me. Hell had frozen over, and yet you still had not called.
Maybe you boarded one of the free all inclusive cruises around the world they gave out, or flew to Paris with a celebrity to see if they really replaced the Eiffel tower with an actual, singular bobby pin. But that does not seem right. Hell froze over and I got a haircut from Paul Mitchell himself, I wore the crown jewels and I waited by the phone for you. The silence means your call was never impossible.
Hell froze over and I did not hear from you, does that mean you fought harder than I thought you did to leave me alone? Did you still think of me when the underworld was burning and we were warm?
Hell froze over, and you never thought of me again.
The Browns won the Super Bowl. Lucifer emerged from a drain pipe on fifth avenue to buy a Burberry scarf and gloves. The billionares of the world devoted themselves to philanthropy "just because", and the redistribution of wealth did not tank the economy. Every child found a home, every human was relieved of ailments and addictions. Every human had a home, too. Dogs began to live to 85. Everyone became objectively beautiful, simultaneously removing the capital of aesthetics and increasing the inherent "attractiveness" of our world at once. Chevron stopped fracking, and the bees came back, but they never stung again. It would not matter if they did, allergies ceased to exist too. I finally ate a strawberry.
The stock market liquified itself, the companies decided to redistribute ownership among those who made up the work force, and no one was mad about it. The pigs flew, the cows neighed, the giraffes necks were shortened at once and Americans domesticated them immediately as pets. The government revealed all of its corruption, and the masses responded amicably with a party of hugs and handshakes on the white house front lawn. The former white house, that is. They painted it chartreuse within a week. Demons made snow angels, poets studied medicine, doctors ran improv classes, the Beatles did a reunion tour.
My father apologized, and I forgave him. I saw my dead friends and we ate lava for brunch. I teleported to my grandparents house, and it was un-foreclosed, and they were undead. I pet all of the zombie dogs I loved so dearly. I remember the grief still, but with no knots in my throat to accompany it any longer. I made out with The Rock per his request. I received letters of remorse from every person who did not choose me. Hell had frozen over, and yet you still had not called.
Maybe you boarded one of the free all inclusive cruises around the world they gave out, or flew to Paris with a celebrity to see if they really replaced the Eiffel tower with an actual, singular bobby pin. But that does not seem right. Hell froze over and I got a haircut from Paul Mitchell himself, I wore the crown jewels and I waited by the phone for you. The silence means your call was never impossible.
Hell froze over and I did not hear from you, does that mean you fought harder than I thought you did to leave me alone? Did you still think of me when the underworld was burning and we were warm?
Hell froze over, and you never thought of me again.
