feel the fear and do it anyway

      I spent this weekend being pretty productive. I had a date with my boyfriend, we went kayaking in this brackish water canal that has bioluminescence this time of year. That was something very special to experience, the water glowing with each slice of a paddle. We saw the manatees at dusk, but when we circled back in the dark they were glowing. Imaging a manatee barrel rolling in starlight. We saw dolphins, birds, and the sunset, and it was an amazing time. I am beyond happy with J, he is such a special person. But I just don't know how to face the reality of our situation. I am leaving to move back to my home town for 8 months, and then I am moving to a new state for law school. I feel us struggling, and I feel my  guilt eating me up. I wish I was confident enough in myself to say that I could do long distance. I know for him I will try, but I also know that our best case scenario is us being long distance for 2 years, but reality says its probably even longer. 
      I have this idea of us trying, giving it the best shot we can. I know I can do that much, try that hard. Theres also this chance that it is perfect for the situation. I know when I leave for school I will be so busy, I think long distance could be good in this time period because it will allow me to schedule our time I guess? But I also know I will be drained. A big part of me and my quality time is literally just laying in silence. I love his physical presence and I am really struggling with the idea that he just wont be there? How do you go from living with someone, together every single day for 3 years and then boom; once a month if youre lucky. I am really worried about him, too. Hes very reclusive, which has caused us some issues because he really does not like that many people and he likes to spend his time alone. I have no qualms with that, but I fear that he will become a hermit when I leave, which Im worried will stall the path he is on and it will make it harder for us to work. Or it will cause him to rely on me in a way that is not feasible, because I do NOT want to be on FaceTime every minute of every day. I dont know man, it'll all go the way it is going to go and I will be there: coping, accepting. 
      At the moment, I am driving up to West Virginia to visit my friend who moved away a couple months ago. We left at 7am, so we have roughly 8ish hours left? ETA is like 7pm so hopefully we will get to avoid the mountain driving at night. I am nervous about this trip. I feel weird about my place in the friendships I am in, every single one. I think when you are sitting on the brink of such drastic, transformative change, it makes it easy to feel out of place in all aspects of my life. I am not sure if my friends really like me. I know that I am sick, anxious, yada yada, but I am also pretty smart. I also have felt like I am being duped, or my friends hate me, or people are laughing at me, and EVERY TIME I tell myself that I am paranoid and no one is thinking that hard about me and what I am doing, but then I am proving wrong in the most vile, traumatic, sinister way possible. I wish I was joking but unfortunately I have this running bit where I befriend people who are really mean? I am not sure if its a me thing, or a Florida thing perhaps. I think the town I am from had some especially evil people and it led me to have some really really shitty experiences within my friendships. Hopefully this trip will prove me wrong. 
      It is almost my turn to drive... I hate road trips man. I dont like cars and I hate sitting for this long. My stomach hurts, I hate pumping gas, I hate using gas station bathrooms, I think I am just meant to be on a plane. I hope this trip gives me a newfound sense of peace or something. I am so happy to get a break from work. That place is a sinking ship if I have ever seen one. An attorney left, our receptionist (and my only friend) is actively applying elsewhere, we are missing documents, no one knows the rules or procedures, its genuinely the most stressful work environment I have ever been in and I have worked in busy ass restaurants with coworkers so strung out on coke that they cant even think. I always thought a desk job would bring some sense of calm when compared to where I came from, but clearly this place proved me wrong. I am off until Tuesday, which is when we will drive back and then I have work on Wednesday. Its not much time, but I am leaving in October so the more time away from work I have, the closer I am to being done with this catty, bitchy place! But also closer to moving back to my home town and leaving my favorite person. Win-lose situation I guess? Anyways, it was lovely to chat! We shall talk soon. 

xoxo, 
Via <3