mountain mama!
Aug. 4th, 2024 08:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
indigolivia I am officially in WV! Seeing my best friend in this tiny little town has been a great time, I really love the small town feel and community here. I have a lot of fear about where I want to go to law school because I am so scared to settle down into some state that I dont like. America is so big and versatile and theres so many factors like cost of living, weather, culture, food, etc. I feel like coming from FL has gifted me with being able to find any time of cuisine, learn about different languages and cultures, and also has no snow which is nice. It is so hot though, and even the same temperatures I feel in WV are far more bearable because of the breeze and less humidity. I feel comforted knowing that I could make do in a smaller town, as long as the people are half as friendly as they are here. We have just been hanging, I think my other friend that I came with and I are in very different places mentally and also just maybe not as compatible as I thought we were? But I am realizing that friendship is a choice. It is the effort of choosing to love someone and grow your relationship with them, every day. She has been tremendously anxious this whole trip. I am really trying to give grace and be a good friend but all of her anxiety is surrounding her body and weight and I feel like there is nothing I can say in those situations.
I struggle with my body on a daily basis. For about 6 months I have been trying really hard to get my shit under wraps but I have been fat since I was 9 and I think when she starts saying things about how much she hates her body or how it "must be nice" to be me, it makes me irrationally angry? I spoke with the friend we were visiting when we were in the bathroom at the bar because I could tell that it was getting to her as well. She said she feels stuck because she has gained weight since moving to WV and the hyper-focus on our bodies is killing the vibe. I agreed. We both dont know how to approach the issue, though. I also think that my weight loss has become a sort of subtle competition between me and this friend, as I just have this constant feeling like we are competing with one another. I got put on ADHD medication about 3 months ago which helped me SO MUCH with my binge eating issues. I am now on the other end of this pendulum swing, and I think I have kind of messed up my hunger cues and dont really know how to eat on a good schedule. Obviously, I know this seems like a non-issue to my friend because I am loosing weight, but she knows that I struggled with BED so I just feel weird when she talks about getting on Vyvanse so she can "just not eat like me". I am trying really hard to not only lose weight but to have a better relationship with food as a whole and I think our friendship is just psyching me out because food or working out or hating our bodies gets brought up all the time. It feels like a game of "get skinny, just not skinner than me and dont do it faster than me"
I realize, having said all this, that my first paragraph seems like an idea I am abandoning. I dont want to ignore my own lesson here, and I want to use one of our 7 hour car rides to maybe breach this topic and see how she reacts? I am just really really worried because she does not take lightly to criticisms. Obviously I would not want this to be perceived as criticism, but I think thats how it will be taken. I have never had a convo with her where I did not end up comforting her. I guess I just want this to be a friendship that can withstand, but if that is going to happen then I cannot be afraid to test it? I dunno I guess we will see.
Anyways, tomorrow is our final day here because of tropical storm Debby. We are going to split the drive into 7 hours tomorrow and 7 hours Tuesday. I was really bummed at first because my main thing I was looking forward to was the river, and it looked like that wasnt going to happen anymore, but luckily I have convinced my friend to let us swim for a bit before the drive. Hopefully, it doesnt drain us too much and the weather stays nice and sunny. I think a river is a necessity for wherever I go to law school. I need some body of water that doesnt have amoebas that want to eat my brain, or gators that want to eat me in general. I am so curious to see where I get into school. My friend in WV really wants to move with me wherever I go, which I think will be nice. She looks up apartments in all these different cities and sends me them. However, another side of me feels a lot of fear because I want law school to be something that redefines me, and I am worried that bringing people from my past wont allow this? But I think friendships should also be able to grow and change with you, so I guess that is another test I will have to face. I like the idea of Nashville, Ann Arbor, maybe even Boston? Who knows. Anywhere but FL I guess. Alright I think thats enough writing for now, everyone thinks I am working on my personal statement, which I definitely should be. My friends sister is making us "slutty salmon bowls" so I hope those are good! I am mainly vegetarian with a minor exception for fish on occasion, so I hope that it doesnt upset my stomach too much.
Well, this was fun. I hope we talk soon, dearest void of mine.
Love, Via *kiss kiss*
I struggle with my body on a daily basis. For about 6 months I have been trying really hard to get my shit under wraps but I have been fat since I was 9 and I think when she starts saying things about how much she hates her body or how it "must be nice" to be me, it makes me irrationally angry? I spoke with the friend we were visiting when we were in the bathroom at the bar because I could tell that it was getting to her as well. She said she feels stuck because she has gained weight since moving to WV and the hyper-focus on our bodies is killing the vibe. I agreed. We both dont know how to approach the issue, though. I also think that my weight loss has become a sort of subtle competition between me and this friend, as I just have this constant feeling like we are competing with one another. I got put on ADHD medication about 3 months ago which helped me SO MUCH with my binge eating issues. I am now on the other end of this pendulum swing, and I think I have kind of messed up my hunger cues and dont really know how to eat on a good schedule. Obviously, I know this seems like a non-issue to my friend because I am loosing weight, but she knows that I struggled with BED so I just feel weird when she talks about getting on Vyvanse so she can "just not eat like me". I am trying really hard to not only lose weight but to have a better relationship with food as a whole and I think our friendship is just psyching me out because food or working out or hating our bodies gets brought up all the time. It feels like a game of "get skinny, just not skinner than me and dont do it faster than me"
I realize, having said all this, that my first paragraph seems like an idea I am abandoning. I dont want to ignore my own lesson here, and I want to use one of our 7 hour car rides to maybe breach this topic and see how she reacts? I am just really really worried because she does not take lightly to criticisms. Obviously I would not want this to be perceived as criticism, but I think thats how it will be taken. I have never had a convo with her where I did not end up comforting her. I guess I just want this to be a friendship that can withstand, but if that is going to happen then I cannot be afraid to test it? I dunno I guess we will see.
Anyways, tomorrow is our final day here because of tropical storm Debby. We are going to split the drive into 7 hours tomorrow and 7 hours Tuesday. I was really bummed at first because my main thing I was looking forward to was the river, and it looked like that wasnt going to happen anymore, but luckily I have convinced my friend to let us swim for a bit before the drive. Hopefully, it doesnt drain us too much and the weather stays nice and sunny. I think a river is a necessity for wherever I go to law school. I need some body of water that doesnt have amoebas that want to eat my brain, or gators that want to eat me in general. I am so curious to see where I get into school. My friend in WV really wants to move with me wherever I go, which I think will be nice. She looks up apartments in all these different cities and sends me them. However, another side of me feels a lot of fear because I want law school to be something that redefines me, and I am worried that bringing people from my past wont allow this? But I think friendships should also be able to grow and change with you, so I guess that is another test I will have to face. I like the idea of Nashville, Ann Arbor, maybe even Boston? Who knows. Anywhere but FL I guess. Alright I think thats enough writing for now, everyone thinks I am working on my personal statement, which I definitely should be. My friends sister is making us "slutty salmon bowls" so I hope those are good! I am mainly vegetarian with a minor exception for fish on occasion, so I hope that it doesnt upset my stomach too much.
Well, this was fun. I hope we talk soon, dearest void of mine.
Love, Via *kiss kiss*
