Winter

[indigolivia]

Three years of my life was spent loving him. He did everything right; taking off my shoes, filling up my sodas, dropping whatever he was doing to come and tend to my needs when I was sick. Despite it all, I do not feel the deep and earth shattering loss that I anticipated when I realized that long distance was not going to be functional for us. I dont know whats wrong with me. Everyone I have looped into my new single status seems to feel it deeper than I have, and it has been 2 months. My parents ask about him, my sisters friends joke that "love doesnt exist" if we arent together anymore, and yet I am not profoundly depressed. I am not unable to eat. I am not hesitant about kissing new people. I dont know whats wrong with me. I have this fear that a good man will never hold the same space in my heart as an evil one, and therefore will not devestate me in the same way. Three fucking years together. When I picture myself: seventeen and inconsolable, mourning the loss of a boyfriend who was 5 years my elder, using my mother as a crutch to finally go inside after sobbing and heaving into her arms in the driveway for an hour. I know I was younger then, but it impacted me so deeply. Logically, I know I was in a deeply unhealthy relationship, and maybe thats why I reacted the way I did. Emotionally though? I feel like the thirst for chaos that I have felt licking at my soul has finally proven that I cannot be satisfied with someone who is just plain old kind. I know I loved him. Deeply. I know that he is someone I would build a beautiful life with. So why am I back in my hometown at twenty two, messaging men who have always treated me like a conquest? Why am I excited by the prospect of an argument that ends in shattered plates and passionate make up sex? Why cant I just be normal? Why cant I just commit to him? Why would I let a good man slip through my fingers, just because of some distance? Why does it feel like I took an escape route? He is the greatest loss of my life, and yet I persist like nothing. I dont know what is wrong with me.