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indigoliviaI had a nightmare last night where I was on a boat with every person who has ever proclaimed my nastiness to me. You were at the hull. You were steering. It was a death - by - a - thousand - cuts kind of situation. I saw my mother, calling me ornery, I take one slash to the gut. I see my third grade teacher, reminding me how stupid she found me to be, she took out my eye. I spun around, leaking all over splintered wood panels, running and sobbing, and then I saw you. At first you avenged me, you called for it to stop. You descended upon us, all of the people ive scorned turned to you with their mouths foaming, waiting for your permission to finish me off, but it quickly became clear that was a job you had reserved for yourself. You dragged me by my hair. You spat on me. You called me wretched, heinous, heartless, soulless, immature, and evil. I walked the literal plank. You stabbed me in the chest and told me how glad you were that I was finally dead.
Then I woke up, and there you are. A peaceful sleeper, reaching for me with your eyes closed, sliding into your place next to me. Its so easy for me to make you gentle when you are so still. The stupid pirate version of you holds no weight in the real world, I know that. I know that. But I know that you sowed his seeds when you called me those names, and I know you didn't ever really understand my perspective on that conversation. I know that I need to "calm down" I know that I need to "take breathes" I know that you "dont want to talk about this". I know I know I know. I know you're sleeping, and I wonder if I am in there, I wonder if your mind molds the worst versions of me, too? You smile in your sleep. I like to think you're dreaming of the parallel timeline, you and I on a sailboat instead. Maybe a dog. Maybe its a pug. Maybe George. Maybe you call me sweeter things and you feed me strawberries because I'm not allergic in dreams. And we love each other, and we call it that without hesitation.
I turn men like sweet wine into fermented messes. I make kind people angry. I jump ship!
Then I woke up, and there you are. A peaceful sleeper, reaching for me with your eyes closed, sliding into your place next to me. Its so easy for me to make you gentle when you are so still. The stupid pirate version of you holds no weight in the real world, I know that. I know that. But I know that you sowed his seeds when you called me those names, and I know you didn't ever really understand my perspective on that conversation. I know that I need to "calm down" I know that I need to "take breathes" I know that you "dont want to talk about this". I know I know I know. I know you're sleeping, and I wonder if I am in there, I wonder if your mind molds the worst versions of me, too? You smile in your sleep. I like to think you're dreaming of the parallel timeline, you and I on a sailboat instead. Maybe a dog. Maybe its a pug. Maybe George. Maybe you call me sweeter things and you feed me strawberries because I'm not allergic in dreams. And we love each other, and we call it that without hesitation.
I turn men like sweet wine into fermented messes. I make kind people angry. I jump ship!
