My Oldest Friend, My Saddest Stranger

[indigolivia]

Hey, You. 
You who I smoked weed with, for the first time. You, who I learned to laugh with. You, who saw me as a girl and a teen and a woman and a secret fourth thing neither of us ever really defined. You! You, close enough to me for enough years that your mother thought we were dating. My co-captain, my best friend, my secret keeper.

I remember how it felt to be hurt by you in such striking clarity. The time when we were fifteen, when you decided I was not worth defending. At eighteen, when our soul paths diverged but geography kept us near one another. You, always nearby, learning about your new life through the walls of a dorm. You, getting in your car in the parking lot and avoiding my gaze. You! Texting me out of the blue in our twenties. Juicy developments from our hometown, and only I could understand. You, so precious to me. You, back in my life again! 

I find it funny that we seem to live in a cycle with one another. Because again, you melted back to stranger, but remained my neighbor, even in a new state. This city is bigger, but I look for you sometimes, still. I wonder if you have ever seen me? I picture you across from me on the Belmont platform, and I wave, and you wave back, and we leave it at that. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you know I am here, too. I won't ever have a best friend like you again, but I wonder if you've found one that holds a candle to me? Was I worth missing? Did I place my burden on you too heavily? I think you really do see me as a stranger, but every reconnection with me felt like slipping into a familiar sweater, eating a comfort meal, and maybe that scared you. Maybe we changed more than I realized, and I just assumed you would always have the characteristics that made you my favorite friend I ever knew forever, and I would love whatever those qualities grew into.

I googled you today. You are doing great things. I miss you. We probably wont ever speak again, but if we did I would only tell you this: 

I thank the universe for allowing me to share a city with you time and time again, even if we no longer share thoughts or words or anything, really. I will never not look for you. I will never not root for you, my sad stranger.